My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Oh boy, $150,000!
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft