Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
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I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children