Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.