Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
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Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’