Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.