this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.