Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
This story is comedy gold 😂
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
This meeting could have been a cake