[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
You Might Also Like
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
was Jim off killing horses or…
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The Birdles
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.