“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
You Might Also Like
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about