Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
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Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
So the ex texted me
wtf is a larm clock?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”