[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.