Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Florida be like…
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.