Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times