ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
You Might Also Like
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified