Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
You Might Also Like
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid