I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
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STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me when my alarm goes off
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell