My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
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TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.