INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
You Might Also Like
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
This is why I hate group projects
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.