Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.