My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.