I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
🙄😏😂🤣
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
umm…
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?