Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
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Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Social Media and Real life
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison