Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
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Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
kevin is now a local weatherman
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*