I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Butt weight. There’s more!
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?