20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me