How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
*pronounces woah like Noah*
i wish we could shoplift online
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.