If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct