Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
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Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”