A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
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I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander