Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you