when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.