I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
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Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
the last thing a carrot sees