thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business