[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
The Others (2001)
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed