Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
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Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I’ve had worse
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
😬
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.