I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
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Overindulged this afternoon.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.