marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
groan^2
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Bobby pin
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.