If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
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STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
how was your vacation
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.