[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
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*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]