Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.