The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets