Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.