An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Breaking news:
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake