By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
@ candidates for local office
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.