I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
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Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.