honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
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[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.