If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause