I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
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The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?