Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
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When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Good dog. ❤️
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far