he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo